The Name Change

So, I had this internal debate about the name change for many years before meeting my fiance.

At first, I really believed that I didn't want to change my name.

My name and I have history.  We go way back. As one of my favorite philosophers puts it, we come into being as we turn in response to being called out by a name.  This suggests that in some ways we are nothing before that name.  And, if the name is such an integral part of our being...then I couldn't so easily just give it up.

When I was a kid, I hated my name. My first name was too soft-sounding and I refused to let anyone, but my dad, call me by my full name.  He's still the only person who calls me Nicole. I think it was in middle school that I finally started to like the special quality of my first name.  I remember having to complete this essay on the origin and meaning of my name.  I found out that my parents originally wanted to call me Nicolette, but when I was born they shortened it to Nicole.  Once I learned that little fact, I felt a fondness for my full name that I had never felt before because I really couldn't imagine being called Nicolette. In middle school, I studied the Greek gods l and learned that my name originated from the goddess of victory, Nike.  I'm pretty competitive, so it's fitting.  And, I like that the name itself has evolved to mean victory of the people. 

I also hated my middle name because it was foreign and weird and other kids laughed at me when I told them what it was.  No one could ever pronounce it.  And, I always had to explain to people that it was Japanese.When I had my bat-mitzvah, I finally learned what my middle name meant.  I had asked my mother before, but she only told me that she named me for a famous mid-century Japanese actress.  Oddly, it was my Rabbi who enlightened me on the real meaning of my Japanese name.  I found out that in Japanese each character has its own meaning and can be arranged together in various ways to produce different meanings.  The characters of my middle name come together to signify, "beautiful flavor" or "beautiful and good."  I think learning the meaning of this part of my name at a time in life when I was searching for my individuality worked to strengthen my sense of connection to it.  The difference I had felt because of my name was no longer based in shame, but, rather it became a sign of my "pride in difference."

As I grew to like my first and middle names, I started to love the sound and rhythm of my name in its entirety.  My history with my name has been a tortured one. But, unlike my first and middle names, I have never felt a sense of detachment from my last name.  It has always been there for me...strong, sturdy, stable.  It connects me to the people who have always been there for me, supported me, sustained me.  And so, giving up my last name is sort of bittersweet.